Are You A Top Or Bottom?

Top Or Bottom 300x247 Are You A Top Or Bottom?

This is Part 3 of the I’m Not Gay Saga folk.

I feel like everybody is waiting for some big thing to happen, or some big revelation. I’m sorry It doesn’t happen!

There is no gunfight

No threesome

No slipping in the shower

Just in case you need a recap, check the two previous posts.

After Gary reveals his “bisexuality” to me on a side street by Dam Square we catch up to Jay and Gary says to him,

“I told her.”

Perhaps that was what the attitude had been about earlier. Gary had probably told Jay that I didn’t know about his sexuality and so Jay wasn’t prepared to put up a charade for my benefit, considering the Europe trip was meant to be their “Gay..being free” holiday.

It turns out Gary and Jay didn’t even have a specific gay club in mind, so we ended up in a “straight” club. Jay with his striking good looks and boyish charm was a hit with the males and females alike. He batted his eyelids a few times and told the chick on the door that she had a pretty smile and we were all let in for free. I was best pleased. Once we got in he managed to wangle free drinks from one of the bartenders.

Jay was doing his part of being a social butterfly and ended up talking to two Jamaican dread guys, while Gary and I hung out at the bar. He came back to us boasting about the free weed he had just got from one of them, telling us,

“oooooooh… his boyfriend was jealous.”

It never even occurred to me that the men with dreads were gay. Gary started giving Jay the cold shoulder, clearly pissed off that he was going around talking to different guys. When Jay went off again Gary said to me,

“I’m soooo glad that you’re here, that boy is working my nerve.”


“I just hate him sometimes.”

“But why?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

Jay came back and we all went to the dance floor to dance. They never danced with each other in the club, opting to dance alone or with me I guess they were conscious about not drawing attention to themselves. I remember a “bun down the chi chi” song playing and them going bruck wild. Chi chi was clearly something that they didn’t identify with and they happily sung along about bunning the chi chi man down.

We left the club a couple of hours later and wandered the streets looking for a cab, during the stroll we walked past a bar which had the rainbow flag outside. Jay got excited and exclaimed, “Lets go inside!” The bar was more or less empty and playing dodgy European dance music. It was only here that Gary and Jay felt comfortable enough to dance closely with one another. We didn’t stay long and shortly afterwards left the bar and got a taxi back to the hotel.

Back at the hotel, now I knew that they were a couple the sleeping arrangement kind of bothered me. I didn’t want any hanky panky going on with me in the bed. I wasn’t in the habit of gate crashing couple’s beds gay or straight. Until I fell asleep any slight movement startled me. Luckily I fell asleep rather quickly!

The next day was spent in bed all day talking. If you knew how cold it was, you would have stayed in bed too. We talked mostly about homosexuality and the down low phenomenon. I asked Gary why he thought of himself as bisexual and not gay. He said that he didn’t see himself as gay because he had slept with women. He also revealed that he saw the word “gay” as an insult; it was like an attack on his on his masculinity. The first time that he had admitted to anyone that he had sex with men was not long before the trip, at a clinic. The doctor had not asked him what his sexuality was (which he would always reply straight) but had instead asked him if he had had Male to Male sex, to which he answered yes. He must have felt that he wasn’t being labeled that way, but rather the act was being labelled. I told him that it seemed like he probably preferred men and he agreed. He said it was easier with men, you didn’t have to go through the wining and dining rigmarole. Men knew what they wanted and were always up for it.

Jay also claimed bisexuality. I found this strange as he came out gay to his family as a teenager and was more or less abandoned by them. The only girlfriend he had was a girl at his school as his cover (beard) and another lesbian girl who he went out with until “she decided she wanted to be the man in the relationship, and use a strap on.” (his words) but now he was saying he was bisexual too! I asked who was the top and bottom (this might be too much information, but oh well!) They both claimed to being tops (The one who puts the ding-a-ling in.) You are probably thinking, well how does that work? I was thinking the same thing too, and said as much. They said they just compromise and take it in turns.

During our day in bed a lot of things that didn’t make sense whilst I was in Chicago began to make sense. It turns out that he met Sherman on Blackplanet DATING and they were involved sexually. Also turns out that the “girl” he was in love with was a guy, and his gay cousin knew he was gay because they had seen each other at gay events. Gary was under the impression that he had done an excellent job in covering his tracks He claims that no one had even suspected his “gayness.” I began to tell him that I had had deep suspicions, but he looked so distraught so I just shut up and let him think that he was a great actor. I did, however have to ask him why on earth he kept playing the gospel music, and as I suspected he said that he thought that that was masking the “gayness.” He also said that he did think that being gay was wrong, so he felt justified in saying negative things about the “gay lifestyle.”

At one point Jay went to use the shower and Gary and I picked our conversation from the night before with regards to why he “hated” Jay. He said that whilst in Paris they were in club and Jay “disappeared.” Gary had caught him kissing a guy. Gary was beginning to think that Jay had commitment issues. He launched into a full scale assault about Jay and his character, which included his attraction to thugs and bums and his commitment issues, when Jay emerged from the shower. Jay wasn’t one to hold his tongue back and started cussing at him. Expletives were flying across the room and they each shouted like mad men each addressing their arguments to me as if I were some sort of referee;

Gary to me,

We came on this trip together and I catch him kissing a French guy, what kind of shit is that?

Jay to me:

C’mon now Zara, he called me Gorgeous, and he looked into my eyes and kissed me. What was I supposed to do… Nobody’s ever called me gorgeous before.

At this point Gary lost the plot and started cussing at him. Jay cussed at him back and then turned to me and said,

Let’s go out tonight and find some nice Dutch boys… Fuck him”

I just kept my mouth shut, trying to remain as uninvolved as possible. Their voices got louder and the next thing I knew there was an object flying towards me,


Jay screamed,

“Look at this!! He did not bring those for meeeeeeeeee!”

I looked at the object that had been thrown next to me. It was a brown paper bag. Something black and shiny was coming from the top of it. I open up the bag and dipped my hang in to retrieve what was inside. Before I could make out what it was Jay was by my side grabbing the contents and emptying them on the floor,

“Look at this!”

I could now see what had been in the bag were condoms and quite a lot of them, in a shiny black wrapping. Some of them were attached to another, creating links, like a pack of Cumberland sausages. (Any sausages of course, I just felt like saying Cumberland cos they are my fave ok?) Jay continued his rant,

“We don’t even have sex thaaaaaat much, so how could he have brought all those condoms for me? He must have brought them for someone else.”

Gary just sat quietly and shook his head as if to say Jay was crazy and mistaken,

“I did bring them for you, who else could I have brought them for?”

Whereas Gary was now calm Jay was still screaming like a Banshee,

“not meeeee!”

Gary simply ignored him and went to go and take a shower. Whilst he was in the shower, Jay and I went downstairs to the hotel restaurant to eat ice cream. Our waiter was an oldish (late fifties) very camp man. On the way down Jay had told me that he had come and sit with the man the day before to find out all the best gay places to go to. It was obvious that the man thought that Jay and I were an item and kept trying to make eyes at Jay when he thought I wasn’t looking. It was hilarious, because he had this smug look on his face the whole time, as if he knew something that I didn’t. We ate the ice cream and went back to the room. Jay and Gary made up and we headed back to the Dam square area later that night and got fukked up on Hash cake. It was a fun holiday. I was only there for 3 days but I have the greatest memories!


  1. formerlystealthreader says:

    Jackpot!!! luving your blog :)
    wow poor you to be in the middle of gay drama lol am just glad Gary is no more in denial (i have a friend like Gary but we havent talked about being gay b4, when next i see him i will talk about it and see how he reacts all i know is my gaydar keeps beep beep beeping, going nuts when i am with him lol i love him though>)

    how can one subscribe to your blog? i cant find any icon for that………how do i follow you?

    • MsBeautySoul says:

      Always follow your instincts… I swear I knew after about day 3 of meeting him but I was decieving myself LMAO… then how many years later my original feeling was confirmed!

      As for suscribing… I’m still working on it… I will put up an email suscription thingimajig. The reason I didnt put it up yet was because I was transferring old blogs over and so was waiting til I transferred them all.

      Thanks for coming by. I appreciate you taking the time out to read!

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