The Sign In Front Of The Building Requests That You Do Not Spit

So on Monday morning I came into work and there was a sign with a stand (it’s own 5 foot tall stand, can you imagine?) put up in front of the main door that said, “Anyone bringing drugs into the college will be suspended.” Note the fact that it says suspended. Doesn’t that mean that you get a day or two off and then you come back happy as Larry like nothing has happened? The sign should say EXPELLED. Well it should say that if I was to approve of such a sign, but for the record I don’t.

Jesus' Wife Came To Holla At Me With A Red Weave And Pink Plastic Shoes

I saw her big face peering through the window, and didn’t recognise her immediately as she was wearing a huuuuuge red weave and pink ensemble. As soon as she caught sight of me she immediately began waving her grubby oversized mitts at me and bellowed through the door, “Allo darlin’!”

From Homewrecker To Lesbian

I am working with the woman who had the gallstones removed again. You may remember her from MARK MORRISON IS TOO BLACK or I HATE NAPPY HAIR fame. Since I have been working with her again she has been hinting that I am having an affair with a married colleague of mine. He and I were in Brazil together so of course tongues started wagging.

Hassan The Computer Guy is Confronted By a Pregnant Woman

I came home from work early and put on the computer. My last ditch attempt at trying to get some life out of it, and BINGO BANGO! It came alive! It was like a motherfuckin miracle happening right before my very own eyes. It actually went through to the windows set up. I could not believe it! Maybe it was a sign that Hassan was really a crook and the computer was my protector, bathing me in its light at this vital time. So I’m there happy that my computer can actually switch on, then a warning box pops up telling me that my memory is low. What the hell?

The Crazy Told Me That She Breastfeeds Her Husband

Let me start from the very beginning. I was at work, minding my business (you know as you do.) This lady comes in. She is big fat and heavy (“Any sound test me tonight Dem ah go bury” remember that?) and very smiley too smiley really. A glazed over, not quite right smiley. I’ve seen her before though so I am not concerned. I remember her being slightly off key, but a lot of them are, that I run into daily.

Hassan The Burgular – East London Dodgy Dealings

At the bottom of the leaflet there was an address, a home telephone number and two mobile phone numbers. So a few days ago I called one of the mobile numbers. The guy seemed to be in a rush to get me off the phone. I was trying to explain the situation to him and he cut in — “What’s your address.” I paused because I didn’t know whether to give it to him or not. So I gave him an address, but not the full address.

Major Terrorist Attack – No More Hand Luggage

I turn on the radio at work. This is what I hear: 10 planes targets, Hand luggage. . . liquid explosives…Attack imminent… High alert… Raids last night… 21 arrested. I did not know any of this till I got into work. This morning I arrived at the tube station and there are signs up saying that if you are travelling to the airport that no hand luggage is being allowed, apart from absolute essentials in a plastic bag.

Alcohol Abusers Wearing Lace Up Shoes

Old Drunk

What kind Of footwear should an alcohol abuser sport? This is a question worth asking, and a question that before today had never crossed my mind. It is something that we should all think about because who knows when alcoholism shall descend upon us? Today I went to a local shop to buy a lamb patty. On the way I passed a drunk who was having trouble tying his laces. At first I felt sorry for him because he kept spilling his can of Fosters (beer) on his shoes whilst trying to bend over. He was having such a problematic time that I felt like just tying them for him, but that idea was quickly tossed from my mind.

Bad Breath Like Hot Trashy Wind

Bad Breath

I am totally disgusted. This motherfucker just walked in here, itching his balls like he had crabs. He stopped momentarily and then right before he got to my desk and he grabbed them two times, heavy all encompassing tugs. Ugh! I feel sooooo sick.

Fare Evasion On London Trains

fare evader

This morning I got on the train without a ticket. When I left from home this was not my intention, but it just happened. As it was a Bank Holiday yesterday, the queue to buy tickets for the train this morning was horrendous. I had 5 minutes before my train was to come and there was no way that I would get served before the train’s arrival.