Becoming A Nollywood Groupie

ZaJim 300x225 Becoming A Nollywood Groupie

Please mind the typos… I have been drinking from a bottle of brandy… thank you…

I swear I am not a muthafuckin groupie…I swear I am not! At least I never thought I could act so irrationally (ok except that one time with Ginuwine and that one time with Five)

If you know me in real life then you know that I am a Nollywood fanatic (the Nigerian film industry, in case u aint know) Have been for 8 good weeks and counting. In that short space of time I know everything there is to know about every Nollywood household star.

So my Sunday was off to a slow start. Tamara was down for the weekend but yet she was nowhere to be seen. I was sick on Saturday and so she went out on Saturday night with some of her crew and rolled back in 6 on Sunday evening… No warning or anything… Just a call when she was outside, “bitch you ready?” That’s how she rolls. No use pissing her off so I told her I’d be right there. Of course it took me at least thirty minutes to get my ass to the car, but that is what she wanted to hear so I told it to her.

I am not really high maintenance but my toenails were looking mad crusty so I painted the two toes that would show in my ultra high brown heels. Luckily I brought the nail varnish out with me because the time I reached the car I was beginning to think that the heels were a bad idea. Tamara had a pair of flat silver sandals (that didn’t match anything I was wearing) that was going to be the last resort.

Turns out that they weren’t going to be the last resort. Instead they were the first resort. I wore those bitches all night…. The nail varnish came in handy because these sandals showed every single last one of my toes, so I spent the whole car ride hunched over painting the six remaining nails!

The first place we went to was a AIDS Gospel benefit. It was cool. They had a funny comedian, but I felt a bit pissed that I was conned into going there. If I knew it was a Bible Bashing Session I wouldn’t have gone. I am not a Christian and I have no intentions on becoming one…

Tamara and Patsie and the AIDS Gospel Benefit:

PatBEa 300x225 Becoming A Nollywood Groupie

So from there we got to Camberwell… some shitty little cramped bar. I couldn’t take it. it was too too cramped. We didn’t even stay long enough to have a drink. We left immediately. From there we went to another bar on Camberwell Road formerly known as Aristocrat…. Because there was a shooting there they did a bit of decoration and changed the name to Finch Bar…

It was cool in there. Spacey, good music and laid back… just what I like. The day before me and Tamara had been watching one of my Nollywood films. The lead male character was a guy called JIM IYKE. I was cussing him for being a nutcase, as every film I see him in he is either on drugs or a loony toon….

So in this newly named Finch Bar I see Jim Iyke and I lose my mind. He doesn’t look as big eyed and unattractive as he does in the films (this is just my opinion, but he is the total opposite of “my type” as I tend to like pretty boys) and I want a picture (luckily I always have the camera on hand.)

I don’t know how I am going to ask for a picture without looking like a total loser. Then I spot my excuse. With him is a guy that always comes into my workplace. In fact he is the brother of a member of staff that went on holiday and then got nabbed in the South London Press for being a fraudster. Perfect opportunity! The fraudster’s brother walks to the bar and so do I. He doesn’t seem to recognise me, but I don’t care. I want a picture with the Nollywood Star.

“Hey how is ______? I haven’t seen him for ages. He left and never came back!”

“Oh he is doing great. He just bought a million pound house in Kensington and he’s making films” (fraud really does pay as you can see!)

“Oh really… that’s nice… hey listen… is that Jim Iyke you are with?”

“Oh yeah that’s my…”

I cut him off

“Can I get a picture with him?”

It was a done deal… See me and my big nashers just ching chinging… I AM SUCH A FUCKIN GROUPIE….

I did not like this guy one single bit then when I heard his voice it was like I just melted… We ended up going with them to another club…And I started to find him even more attractive… What is wrong with me? I need guidance!

Ps. I just wanted to add onto the end of this. When I was taking the pictures I told the dude to take of his sunglasses and he asked me why. I told him, “because I wanna put them on the internet in the monring.” He laughed and said, “but you wouldn’t do that!” and I laughed too, knowing fulll well I would… HAHAHAHA!

JimIyke 225x300 Becoming A Nollywood Groupie

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