Under my umbrella – ella – ella – ay

My feet are all shrivelled up, like an old man’s dick, or I should say how I imagine an old man’s dick to be, since I have no experience with old dicks. It has been raining for the last two days like the world is flooding… My ass is cold and tired, even though I haven’t danced too much tonight. I went with Chrystal to a bar/club in the West End called Digress. I digress… wny is it a week until June and it’s FUH-REEZING… Why? I can’t wait to get some heat in my bones and sun on my skin… ooooooh…. weeeeee!

Stealing Kebab From A Blind Woman And More Gravaliciousness

To me gravalicious means being unnecessarily craven, greedy beyond measure. I always used the word but I didn’t know where it came from. After typing it into Google I learnt that it is a Jamaican patois word. I was thinking about gravalicious behaviour because today my work buddy told me how he went to buy lunch for himself and the blind woman that he works with. He bought her a kebab and for himself two McDonald meals. I asked him why he bought himself two meals and he said that he couldn’t decide what to have and so had bought both.

The Ice Cream Van Man

I see two men by the white and blue van which is covered in stickers of the delights ice cream vans are meant to sell; Cornettos, Flakes, Soleros, Magnums, Feasts… Junkies, I’m sure. Who else hangs around an ice cream van at midnight, on an East London back street?

Suzy is a Floozy That A Nigerian Guy Will Never Marry

So on Friday “Jeem” was a bust. He said he wanted to meet but it wasn’t happening, so Ruth and I decided to go out but at the time she was braiding hair and so said she’d come around when she was done, which was meant to be around 10pm but she didn’t even get to me til past midnight… We drank Caiprinhas (I still got 3 bottles of Cachacha that I brought back from Brazil) til almost two and luckily my friend that lives nearby was around and offered to take us to Player’s Club, because I swear we were gonna walk. It looked close on the map but it would have been a trek and a half!

Dancehall Queen Mampie

So in the last blog I let you into my Nollywood groupie-ness. After the picture taking we went to another club and there was more brandy flowing (oh I love Brandy.) Apparently Jim was with a girl. I say apparently because although this chick was in the first place where we were taking pictures I didn’t really notice that they were together (my friend said that it was wishful thinking) Anyways when we rolled up at the second club she wasn’t with them. We got to the door and then *POW* there she was. I think she knew someone in the club because she was the one that was instrumental in us getting to the front of the queue and getting in the place for free.

Becoming A Nollywood Groupie

I swear I am not a muthafuckin groupie…I swear I am not! At least I never thought I could act so irrationally (ok except that one time with Ginuwine and that one time with Five) If you know me in real life then you know that I am a Nollywood fanatic (the Nigerian film industry, in case u aint know) Have been for 8 good weeks and counting. In that short space of time I know everything there is to know about every Nollywood household star. So my Sunday was off to a slow start.

Titty Woman AKA Jesus’ Wife Returns

Titty woman AKA Jesus’ wife came lumbering into the office today with her big heavy footed elephant steps. One minute there were three of us working in the office and the next minute I was alone with TITTY WOMAN. Maaaaan that byatch can talk… yakkkkking ooooon and on about nothing. She comes in here all the freaking time but has never enrolled on anything. She didn’t have the wig on this time. She just rolled in bald headed, eyes glazed and black lipped like she’d been hittin a pipe all day.

Don’t Give Me Tinned Salmon and Tell Me It Is Smoked

So off I went to the pub. I made the healthiest choice I could by choosing a salmon with lemon mayo salad wrap. Before I ordered this wrap I wanted to know if it was smoked salmon or not. If it was not smoked I was going to switch the order to a chicken Caesar salad wrap. My colleague asked the guy who was taking the order if it was tinned salmon. The guy looked bewildered, so I cut in, “Is it from a can?” He still looks blankly. My colleague tries again, “What kind of salmon is it?” Ok we are not getting anywhere. One last try, “Is it smoked salmon?” WOW! A response, He became animated, and decided to open his mouth and talk, “Yes, yes.”

Insects Are Only Good For Crushing

Today at work there was this cock-a-roach looking flying thing that was hovering about, which ended up dilly dallying about in the plastic thing that encases the fluorescent light that hums above my head. It then started making a nuisance of itself by hanging on the window sill. The temp was saying that the animal was on the sill, so I said to him, “What the hell are you waiting for? KILL IT!” He said, that no he can’t do that. What in the hell? What is wrong with people?

My Life As A Teen Prostitute

I was 17 and it was the summer of 1997. I had been working in Dolcis, a shoe shop on Oxford Street for a grand total of 8 days before I got the boot. They told me “it wasn’t working out.” When I probed further I was told that I had caused disenchantment on the shop floor. I can’t lie I did and I felt quite justified in doing so after finding out that the three white girls that were employed there (also teenagers) got paid more that all the darker hued teenage staff. And so I was escorted to my locker to collect my things and walked to the door by a security guard. THE SHAME OF IT!