Don’t Give Me Tinned Salmon and Tell Me It Is Smoked

salmon 300x240 Don’t Give Me Tinned Salmon and Tell Me It Is SmokedSo I’m back on a diet and fitness regime with the aim of losing a stone (14lbs) in time for July. I started about a week ago and yesterday it was like there was a conspiracy to break my mission and it worked!!! I started off well by drinking rooibos tea and eating an orange in the morning and then all off a sudden, before I knew it I had indulged in two of these gorgeous honey oat and raisin homemade biscuits that my friend’s new super cook girlfriend made. I need to keep away from him. His new chick is a baking fanatic in the first flushes of love and so conjures up new baked treats every single day. This is bad news for me because he can’t eat all that shit alone and so regularly passes some of it on to me, and I can’t say NO, but I will learn. It will take willpower but I shall learn to say NO! I mustttttttta! So after scoffing the biscuits I was invited for a pub lunch by one of my colleagues. I wanted to say no, for the good of the diet, but I had already succumbed to the temptation. The words came out wrong. I was trying to say no, but the word came out yes. So off I went to the pub. I made the healthiest choice I could by choosing a salmon with lemon mayo salad wrap. Before I ordered this wrap I wanted to know if it was smoked salmon or not. If it was not smoked I was going to switch the order to a chicken Caesar salad wrap. My colleague asked the guy who was taking the order if it was tinned salmon. The guy looked bewildered, so I cut in, “Is it from a can?” He still looks blankly. My colleague tries again, “What kind of salmon is it?” Ok we are not getting anywhere. One last try, “Is it smoked salmon?” WOW! A response, He became animated, and decided to open his mouth and talk, “Yes, yes.” He said nodding his head vigorously.I asked again, “So it’s smoked?” “Yes” “Are you sure? Is it in cold strips?” “Yes yes it’s smoked?” I wasn’t really sure that he was sure but I didn’t want to patronise him so I figured that he would probably go and ask someone and if it wasn’t how I wanted it he would return and tell me, “Ok then I’ll have that, but if it isn’t smoked I’m bringing it back.” “That’s fine.” I ordered the meal deal, which you get a drink and side salad with. Since I was in a pub I got a beer with the deal. I thought it would be half a pint, or a bottle but it was a whole freakin pint… My diet was becoming a distant memory. (I’m not meant to have alcohol, empty calories and all that jazz) By the time the bar guy brought the food over I didn’t even feel like it cos I was so full of beer. My food came first. Before he even put it down on the table I could see that it was not smoked. It did not look like this, deep coloured and dense how I like it: It was textured like mashed up with a fork pale ass salmon from a can and it was hot. As you can imagine I was less than impressed. Didn’t I say cold STRIPS and he agreed? I don’t mind eating canned tuna I just don’t like canned salmon. I prefer it cold and smoked or alternatively for me to see the whole fish myself (eyes, skin and guts included) and for me to deal with it myself. So he puts the plate down and I say to him, “It’s not smoked salmon.” This fool opened his gob to say, “How do you know? You haven’t tasted it yet.” WHAT??? I wasn’t going to entertain him, after all I could feel the heat from the microwaved tinned salmon, and I said COLD STRIPS. I wasn’t going to get into such a conversation with him who seemingly didn’t know what smoked salmon is. My colleague piped up, “It isn’t smoked. That’s what she asked you for and you said that it was” I think he got the message that I didn’t want it because he asked me, “So you don’t want it?” I told him that no I didn’t and went up with him to the till to order the chicken instead (he had a brain like a sieve, and when first ordering he forgot and had to re-ask us for our orders twice so when you are at the till you know that he will at least type in your order and the computer will not forget unless it breaks down). While we were up there I tried to smile at him and be nice so he wouldn’t do anything gross, like spit or ejaculate in my food. Who knows if it worked, but hey what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger right? So the food comes and I am eating my wrap which is pretty tasty and I hear one of my colleagues Tina ask another one, Anya, “What is that?” I look over to her burger bun where she is pointing. I’m not sure was she is talking about until I lean in closer, still chomping on my food of course and see small green spots on the top of her burger bun. IT WAS MOULD…UGH. Luckily for me the last bit of the wrap was in my mouth, because that sight would have put me off the rest of my food for sure. Tina sat there still and looked at it, as though she was traumatised and had been forced into a state of paralysis. Anya took it back for her and to complain. They gave a refund and offered a free drink. Anya came back to share the free drink news. Tina responded, “I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from here.” An eavesdropper who was sitting nearby stuck his oar in, “I’ll have it.” All of a sudden everyone wanted the damn drink. Tina decided for the good of the group to go and claim the drink after suggestions of White Wine, Rose Wine and Champagne were thrown at her. She came back with a 330ml bottle of Budweiser. Of course no one was enthused about that and she downed it quickly before leaving. Since already breaking the diet, I was more inclined to fall further by the wayside and on my way home I caught sight of the orangey cover of a Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky. Just one glance and I had to have it. If you haven’t had one you haven’t lived! That is the best chocolate bar EVER. It is like entering another world when you put that in your mouth. I tell ya! And as heavenly as it was it will be my last chocolate bar for a while. From tomorrow (someone was leaving today and bought in a huuuge box of chocolates, so of course it would have been rude to refuse a gift) I’m getting back on track and going to be disciplined for the next two months, in terms of my eating habits and doing the Billy Blanks Tae Bo twice a day.

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