From Homewrecker To Lesbian

  homewrecker 262x300 From Homewrecker To LesbianAugust 24th 2006

I am working with the woman who had the gallstones removed again. You may remember her from MARK MORRISON IS TOO BLACK or I HATE NAPPY HAIR fame.

Since I have been working with her again she has been hinting that I am having an affair with a married colleague of mine. He and I were in Brazil together so of course tongues started wagging, saying shit like,

“Oh what a coincidence that you were there at the same time, out of all the places in the world you could have bumped into each other!”

The funny thing was it had never been coincidence and we obviously both knew months in advance that we were going to be there at the same time. We didn’t “bump” into each other. It was planned and this was never meant to be “a secret.” Of course everyone wanted to believe it was a secret and that we were having some illicit undercover affair. Despite me being open about the holiday and who I was there with. Any time this particular married colleague rings the office WWGS will put him through to me raising her eyebrow, as if to hint that she knows that we are having an affair.

To be honest I don’t blame her too much for thinking that because I probably would too if I was her, I wish she would just keep it to herself because her constantly trying to find out about the alleged “affair” is tiring especially as there is no affair. There is nothing for me to let her in on.

This guy used to work at the same site as I do and has since moved, although he comes back to work here once a week for a few hours. One time he told me that as he walked through the front door and was walking through our office to get to where he needed to go. She told him,

“She’s not here.”

He said that he didn’t even realise what she was talking about until he left. Another time he came in to the office as I was leaving to go to lunch and WWGS pipes up,

“So where are you taking the lovely lady today?” As if I didn’t just tell her that I was going to the bank. He asked her how he could go to lunch when he just came in and she smirked at as both as if to say “the secret was safe.”

The hinting is endless. The rumour has been spread around all sites. I’d love to tell them that he married a Brazillain girl out there just to shake things up a little, but I think that this would cause untold drama.

At some point WWGS got bored with the whole me having an affair rumour and decided that I was a lesbian. I can’t figure out if she was trying to wind me up or truly believes that any single girl that won’t take the first piece of dick offered must be a lesbian. The hinting that I was a lesbian started off with her telling me that I talk about my girlfriends a lot and not any guy friends. I didn’t get what she was getting at, at that time and just replied,

“Do you think?”

She said that, yeah she did think so.

After this incident she started up a conversation about homosexuality, saying that there was nothing wrong with being gay, etc, etc. . . (contrary to what she has said previously) I knew something was not right because she kept going on and on about how she didn’t mind being around homosexuals and making other random comments about homosexuals that she would end with, “Don’t you think?” as if she were trying to solicit a coming out of the closet confession from me.

About a week later she just comes out and asks me if I am a lesbian. We are talking about this lesbian woman that she knows that comes to the office to sell bootleg CD’s. The woman had been avoiding her calls for a little while and so we had been CDless. The conversation that we were having went like this:

WWGS: You know that CD woman has been missing, I found out why.

Me: Why?

WWGS: She was on honeymoon

Me: Huh?

WWGS: Yeah, her and her girlfriend, now it’s legal they made it official. They got married. They went to Barbados for the honeymoon and took her daughter too.

Me: She has a daughter?

WWGS: Yeah the daughter must be about ten

Me: Oh so the daughter is from the times when she went with men?

WWGS: Yeah she just switched. You know some people are just like that. They get fed up and turn the other way. Is that what happened with you?

Me: (Did I just hear her right?) Huh?

WWGS: Is that what happened to you?

Me: How can that have happened to me when I haven’t turned any way?

WWGS: I’m just saying, no need to be ashamed.

This woman is such a freaking wind up merchant.

Next in her plans it to rid me of lesbianism, she figures she will try and hook me up with one 5 foot 4 inches tall 50 something year old Ghanaian teacher. I don’t know what exactly the plot is she concocted for me, but this man has been coming into the office every other day. I sit there and they talk about me. He tells her that he wants to get to know me better and she tells him that she isn’t sure that I like men, glancing over to catch my reaction when she says this. I swear this bitch is a complete and utter lunatic.

So this man is always in the office, under her encouragement of course. He hangs around my desk which I find rather annoying because he is an attention seeker and tries to distract me from MySpace time. Most of the time I say a word or two like, “yeah” or “mmm” or just nod. He says nothing that is of interest to me. He talks about how polygamy is great (he reckons he has loads of wives) and how he really knows how to take care of a woman *YAWN* and Blah Blah Blah.

So WWGS asks me why I won’t go out to lunch with him. She tells me that he is a nice man and will pay for my lunch. Ohhhhhhhhhhh WOW! NOT. So fucking what? Does she think some ageing midget spending 3 quid on me is going to get me excited? At first I though she was joking somewhat, but now I think that she is as serious as a heart attack. The fact that she keeps bringing the issue up makes me want to spit in her eye.

Today this said teacher comes into the office offering lunch. He threw down £10 onto the table for us to split for our lunch.

Yes I took it.

WWGS says that he has never bought her anything in all the years she has known him. I know what is coming next. She is going to say that I should be grateful for this £5 offering that he has made and give him a chance  WHATEVER! I just cut her off and change the subject.

After lunch he comes in with a gift bag and hands it to me. I thought he was joking but when I catch a glimpse of the Thornton chocolates inside the bag I don’t care if he is joking. . . THE CHOCOLATES ARE MINE! I rip the box open, throwing one in my gob before he can reclaim them.

WWGS mouth has dropped open. She cusses him out for not bringing her any chocolates and he leaves the office, unable to take the tongue lashing. The whole scenario reminds me of the Slappy Lip Saga. I just hope he is like Mr Slappy lip in that he DISSAPPEARS!

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