Mr Shaky Lip

Russian Blonde 187x300 Mr Shaky Lip

I’m sitting at work and this man who we used to call “shaky lip” comes in. So called because his lip is always shaking and if it’s not shaking he is biting it like someone with a bad drug habit.  He is an elderly black man from Guyana who often comes in to chit chat about nothing… Or to apply for random courses…So he sits down talking for about half an hour about random things like how he wishes he was 23, his love for Russian blondes and the novel that he is working on.

The first thing he says to me not pertaining to his life and woes is, “Wow you look like a movie star!” then at the end of the conversation he marvels at my weave exclaiming… “Your hair looks so nice and pretty… just like the white girls.” What the hell? I didn’t even say a word… I just LOOK AT HIM BLANKLY.

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Fast forward to a few days later and he comes in, in the morning with a box of chocolates. I thought they were for me… but… they weren’t. They were for another girl Kate who used to work in the office. She left two years ago… he had a crush on her… He would come in all the time to ask useless question just to be near her… not realizing that if she was into pensioners she wouldn’t be into ones that are annoying as hell that ask stupid questions just for the sake of hanging around. I mean this man will ask you a question and then another one and another one until he finds one that you cannot answer. It’s a “catch you out” game. Once he finds that unanswerable question, his response is… “Aha… so you don’t know,” and he smiles…a big fat beaming shaky lip smile… Over the moon that he has caught you out… I guess that is how he gets his kicks… It’s so sad. I hope when I am old I will have better things to do *crossing fingers,* Like farting loudly in public and saying AND WHAT??? to anyone that dares glance in my direction. (That was for Sikwit)

So back to the box of chocolates… which are Toblerone Miniatures… They say: “To Kate, Happy New Year.” I tell him that Kate does not work here anymore and he says that when he spoke to me last I told him that I still see her now and then. So after me saying that he rushed out to buy her the chocolates because she has been on his mind since she left. So I take the chocolates, not too bothered because I am probably going to eat them anyway and somewhat annoyed because I am the one that has to put up with his incessant blathering all this time since she left… so where the hell is my reward for that and the shower he gives me every time he talks… huh?

I ask him where my chocolates are and he tells me, “I didn’t know you liked chocolates.” This fool is crazed… but he knew Kate… who he has not seen in 2 years likes chocolates? So at this point I think he does not want to hear me bitching about the chocolates anymore so he leaves, vowing to return in the afternoon to talk to me, as if I am in need of his company… cheek!

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So later on in the afternoon he comes back. He places a folded piece of paper on my desk… I can see that the folded front of the paper says, To Kate’s Best Friend. He then asks me what chocolates I like. I ignore the question because I know full well he is not going to get me any chocolates. He doesn’t seem bothered that I don’t answer the question and then resumes onto his favourite topic: Himself… “I have a soft spot for blondes… teaching English in Russia… writers group… Kate…” Blah blah blah. After about half an hour he is interrupted by a colleague and so decides to leave not before pushing the paper towards me.

This is what the letter said: (I told Kate about this and she didn’t believe me… hopefully she will read it here and realize that this is the TRUTH!!!)

“Dear Kate’s Friend and Defender,

(The beginning is a bunch of stuff about how well the class he is teaching is doing)…

The rest of this letter must be a secret as it concerns Kate my heartbeat. I have thought of her for the past week. Didn’t know you like chocs. What brand? I am forbidden to eat them. Please don’t beat me up. I still have the gentlest feelings for Kate. I thought that a lady of your experience would have known that I fell for Kate. It was a banana skin fall and I fell and broke my best feature. I thought that she had nice skin, not a sore, not a scratch! I bet that she uses bath oils- coconut oil, Nivea and Oil of Ulay.

English Girls like afternoon Tea. Well there is Patisserie Valerie in the West End. Would she come? Don’t eat the whole box, you could get fat. Kate has a brilliant figure. Long legs, little waist and good milk containers. I still long to see her.

Xxx”

Now what kind of bull crap is this… trying to woo a young woman and writing to her friend about her “milk containers”? I imed Kate snippets of the letter… she didn’t believe me. She thought the idea was outrageous. So outrageous that she insisted I eat the chocolates… she couldn’t even bear to look at the chocolates if I brought them near her. So that’s what I did. I ate them and they were good… Like Destiny’s Child said on Writing’s on the Wall, “So so so so so so so so so so goooooood!”

And what the hell does “Lady of your experience” mean? Makes me sound like an old prostitute!!!

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Slightly off topic: And why do these students keep calling me “Miss”? I am not a teacher… Don’t call me “Miss”… Even some of the ones my own age and older call me Miss… Makes me feel old. One lady who had to be in her forties even called me “Auntie.” Now I’m all for respect but you are waaaay older than me… I don’t need to be called Auntie, especially when I am NOT your freaking Auntie.

And why when I’m talking do certain people that come in repeat words in a whispering/mouthing fashion … In future when I’m talking keep your mouth closed!!! If I am talking there is no need for a mouth to be moving with no words coming out… I have noticed a few people do this… drives me up the wall!

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