My Fears About Colonic Irrigation

Colon Diagram 300x278 My Fears About Colonic IrrigationFriday, November 17, 2006

Would you let someone stick a tube up your ass?

I was writing this at work because I was sooooooo bored that I was actually nodding off. I wasn’t even up late. I had a good 8 hours sleep (yeah that’s why I was late) I had been surfing Amazon.co.uk for the past couple of hours and even that got boring. I filled my basket with waaay more than I planned to buy in the next few years, unless I get really rich. In that case I’ll buy the whole basket in one go.

I need to keep off Amazon. I have 2 hundred and something items in my basket. It would probably be more if all my items didn’t vanish a few months ago. T’was a day I remember vividly! I came into work, logged in, went through to “my basket” and NOTHING was in it. I thought it was some sort of mistake and spent the next hour or so logging in and out before realising that maybe they were gone FOREVER!

Amazon says that items only stay in the basket for 30 days until they are gotten rid of. I could accept that if that were the case and they stuck to it. However I had some of these items in there for over a year. That 30 day stuff is just nonsense. Do you know how much attachment can build up in a year? I guess those dear folks at Amazon had enough of me and my “window shopping”. They could have warned me first though. What they did to me was tantamount to robbery. I felt violated.

Besides me being bored bored bored! Yesterday was a bad bad day for three other reasons, which I am going to list below:

1)      My boss is a rude bitch:

I always knew this but I am becoming more and more disgusted by the disrespect that she shows to myself and others. She will walk into a room where you are and instead of coming up to you and asking if she can speak to you, will stand by the door and beckon you with her index finger. Now what kind of shit is that? Not even a word! It’s only if you hesitate that she will cock her head and say, “In my office” or “Can I have a word?” (The latter only if she is being super polite.) It is so rude and belittling. I doubt she tries that mess with her superiors though!

2)      My jeans were soaking wet allllll day:

A bus drove super fast through a puddle in the morning and completely soaked one side of my lower half. My jeans were dripping wet. That pissed me off because I have to sit in the smelly dim office in wet clothes, occasionally rising to rub my ass on the radiator. Then while I am in this pissed state nutcases wanna come and get fresh with me.

3)      The realisation dawned on me  that I am too fat to fit into my Brazil clothes:

I have five weeks exactly before I leave and my clothes don’t fit. What the hell am I gonna do? I thought that buying everything too small would give me the incentive to get into them. Looks like I’m going to be going halfway across the world with an empty suitcase. I think the only hope now is starvation, but temptation is all around me. To top it all of I went boozing. It’s not my fault! It’s all in an effort to be social. The only other thing I could think of that might help (apart from a gruelling exercise regime and starvation) is colonic irrigation/hydrotherapy. So I booked myself in to get it done after work TODAY. If this doesn’t at least flatten my stomach I’m DOOMED!

Following on from number 3… Has anyone had this done? I have three (looks like 3 is my number today!) fears regarding this procedure:

1)      The size of the tube:

I don’t want my asshole ripped apart. I don’t do pain well. My friend told me that its huuuuuuuuuge! In saying that this particular friend has a tendency to exaggerate or in certain instances straight out lie! This is the chick that told one of our other friends to dry her panties in the microwave. She is also the chick that inspired my first ever blog, when she told me that she couldn’t pick her nose because her nostrils were too small, only to find her digging out her nose another day! Because of this I have to take what she says with a pinch of salt. Other sources have said that it is pencil size, but if it is that small how does all the stuff pass through?

2)      My intestines bursting:

They pump about 15 litres in, so there is that risk. . . I think!

3)      Shitting myself:

Between the treatment place and home is an hour’s journey. . .  Anything could happen. Maybe I need to invest in a but plug!

A little bit about Colonic Irrigation for those that don’t know:

Also known as Colonic Hydrotherapy, Colonic Irrigation or Colon Therapy, this practice was reputedly used in Ancient Egypt, China and India. However, the method common in the West today has its origins in 19th Century European spas.

A treatment will begin with a detailed case study, and an explanation of the procedure. The client is then asked to remove all clothing and wear a gown provided by the therapist. The client then lies down on a treatment table and warm, purified water is introduced into the colon via the rectum, the therapist will use special massage techniques during the procedure to stimulate the release of stored faecal matter. The colonic will take between 30-45 minutes. Herbal and probiotic implants may be used and advice will also be given on dietary changes to enhance the treatment. Advice will also be given on how many sessions will be necessary, and a colon cleansing programme may be recommended to support the treatment.

This is a really good website that answers questions that you may have:

 http://www.colonic-association.org/faq.html

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