Abandoned By Henry At The Greyhound Bus Terminal In Washington DC

Henry was nowhere to be seen and Tamara was attempting to use the payphone in the Greyhound Station to call him. I say attempting because her trying to use the phone was an exercise in futility. She could not figure out how to use it and her constant screaming, “Hellllllllllllooooo!” into the mouthpiece was cracking me up much to her annoyance. The frustration took over her and she was soon whacking the handset against the body of the telephone in a mad rage, “These Americans don’t even have normal phone boxes!”

I Remember My First Time Abroad

I remember it like it was yesterday. The collection of and poring over travel brochures at Elephant and Castle shopping centre. We didn’t let the fact that we were broke hinder the dream. We were going to get somewhere out of the country somehow someway. As long as we could raise a few hundred to actually buy the ticket we would worry about the rest later.

Even If You Are Black You Should Protect Your Skin From The Sun

always figured that my natural melanin was enough protection against the sun. I never used sunscreen, never burnt, never peeled and could never understand my friends who were darker than me that did use it. What was the point if your skin has an inbuilt protection mechanism? That was my thought process, until January the 30th 2007.

Biting Nails And Acrylic For Toes

My toenails suck. For as long as I can remember I have been a finger nail and toe nail (that flexibility has since gone) biter. People ask me if I do it out of nervousness. I say no. If it is nerves then it must be in my subconscious. I do it because I enjoy it and sometimes because there is something in between my teeth and there is no floss to hand. In this situation I will bite the corner of the nail so it forms a sort of miniature toothpick. I will use this toothpick nail to jab out whatever is in between the teeth.

Ending A Relationship

There is a story behind my relationship with Thirteen. It was my unlucky number. Every Friday the 13th, fear of impending doom would consume me, and I must say it was irrational as nothing bad had ever happened to me on any Friday the 13th, but still the fear was real. Thirteen was my enemy. I hated him/her (Thirteen is a hermaphrodite… super-gendered.) I knew that this fear was irrational but somehow I had internalised that it was an unlucky day and 13 an unlucky number and couldn’t escape that feeling.

Under my umbrella – ella – ella – ay

My feet are all shrivelled up, like an old man’s dick, or I should say how I imagine an old man’s dick to be, since I have no experience with old dicks. It has been raining for the last two days like the world is flooding… My ass is cold and tired, even though I haven’t danced too much tonight. I went with Chrystal to a bar/club in the West End called Digress. I digress… wny is it a week until June and it’s FUH-REEZING… Why? I can’t wait to get some heat in my bones and sun on my skin… ooooooh…. weeeeee!

Stealing Kebab From A Blind Woman And More Gravaliciousness

To me gravalicious means being unnecessarily craven, greedy beyond measure. I always used the word but I didn’t know where it came from. After typing it into Google I learnt that it is a Jamaican patois word. I was thinking about gravalicious behaviour because today my work buddy told me how he went to buy lunch for himself and the blind woman that he works with. He bought her a kebab and for himself two McDonald meals. I asked him why he bought himself two meals and he said that he couldn’t decide what to have and so had bought both.

The Ice Cream Van Man

I see two men by the white and blue van which is covered in stickers of the delights ice cream vans are meant to sell; Cornettos, Flakes, Soleros, Magnums, Feasts… Junkies, I’m sure. Who else hangs around an ice cream van at midnight, on an East London back street?

Suzy is a Floozy That A Nigerian Guy Will Never Marry

So on Friday “Jeem” was a bust. He said he wanted to meet but it wasn’t happening, so Ruth and I decided to go out but at the time she was braiding hair and so said she’d come around when she was done, which was meant to be around 10pm but she didn’t even get to me til past midnight… We drank Caiprinhas (I still got 3 bottles of Cachacha that I brought back from Brazil) til almost two and luckily my friend that lives nearby was around and offered to take us to Player’s Club, because I swear we were gonna walk. It looked close on the map but it would have been a trek and a half!

Dancehall Queen Mampie

So in the last blog I let you into my Nollywood groupie-ness. After the picture taking we went to another club and there was more brandy flowing (oh I love Brandy.) Apparently Jim was with a girl. I say apparently because although this chick was in the first place where we were taking pictures I didn’t really notice that they were together (my friend said that it was wishful thinking) Anyways when we rolled up at the second club she wasn’t with them. We got to the door and then *POW* there she was. I think she knew someone in the club because she was the one that was instrumental in us getting to the front of the queue and getting in the place for free.