Stealing Kebab From A Blind Woman And More Gravaliciousness

Doner Kebab 300x200 Stealing Kebab From A Blind Woman And More GravaliciousnessTo me gravalicious means being unnecessarily craven, greedy beyond measure. I always used the word but I didn’t know where it came from. After typing it into Google I learnt that it is a Jamaican patois word.


The Webster’s Online Dictionary defines it as, “Starving,” Most other sites define it as meaning, “greedy, avaricious.”


I was thinking about gravalicious behaviour because today my work buddy told me how he went to buy lunch for himself and the blind woman that he works with. He bought her a kebab and for himself two McDonald meals. I asked him why he bought himself two meals and he said that he couldn’t decide what to have and so had bought both.


I told him,


“You know you wouldn’t have been able to eat them both.”


To which he replied,


“I know but my eyes were too big for my belly.”


So the story goes he gave the woman he works with the kebab and he started on his McDonalds. He said that he was enjoying the McDonalds until she started on her kebab. The scent of the kebab was overpowering, wafting over his being, enticingly calling him,


“I don’t know what came over me, but it wasn’t my fault. The kebab was calling me. I knew she couldn’t see me, so I just quickly grabbed a handful of meat.”




“Yeah I know, it’s bad innit? But you know what though? It was goooooooooood!”


After hearing the story all I could do inbetween laughing was to exclaim,




It got me thinking about my own gravaliciousness. One time in particular sticks in my head.


About two years ago my friend Cherry and I went to Atlanta to stay with Keno. It was a two week trip and in that time we went to spend a a few days with another friend George, in Buckhead as Keno was working long hours. Being in Buckhead we could club hop and dine out every night to our heart’s content as everything is so close by, so it was great.


When the few days was up Keno came to pick us up to take us “home” at some ungodly hour of the morning (in reality it was probably about 10′ O Clock in the morning). As we had been out all night clubbing and then spent part of the morning at IHOP we were out for the count, only having had a few hours sleep when he turned up. I heard the bell first and let him in. We both looked wrecked in our headscarves, night gear and stale make up from the night before.


If you know Keno you will know that he is very impatient. He doesn’t like waiting around (which is why whenever he comes to the airport he likes to come a few hours late) He is very GO! Go! GO! I also knew that he was in a hurry to leave before George woke up because a few days previously George had asked him to make him a mix tape and I knew that he hadn’t done it and would not want to be asked about it. I could see him reaching for our bags, ready to march out the door… Quickly I threw on some jeans under my long, shapeless bleached and stained cotton pale blue Victoria Secrets night shirt and picked up some bits. With much trouble we woke Cherry up and headed for the door. She was alright because she had matching pyjamas on, so didn’t need to do anything more.


When we got to the car Cherry lay out in the back, falling back asleep as soon as her head hit the seat and I sat up front with Keno. 20 minutes into the journey Cherry mumbled from the back, “I want Chop Chop” Only the thought of Chinese could wake her from a heavy slumber. Chop Chop is this Chinese place that we sometimes went to on Jimmy Carter Boulevard. I wasn’t too fond of it, but I didn’t mind it. Cherry, on the other hand just looooooves Chinese food… any Chinese food. So we hit Jimmy Carter Boulevard. All three of us head into Chop Chop. Cherry and I  looking like some crack fiends on the morning prowl. I was surprised that Keno even stood next to us in the shop.


On leaving the shop and getting back into the car Cherry fell back asleep. Driving back to the house, and almost at the subdivision, Keno and I were singing along to the radio when we saw packets and packets and packets of crisps (chips) along the side of the road. They didn’t look like regular crisps either. The packaging looked luxurious… You know like Walkers Sensations or something like that? I said to Keno,


“I wondered what happened there.”


“Maybe a lorry door opened by accident and they all fell out.”


“Yeah maybe”


As we drove up a little further there were even more packets of crisps lying about, and then we saw boxes. I exclaimed,


“Look whole boxes!”


I had a glint in my eye. I’m sure Keno knew what was up, but still I had to verbalise it,


“Shall we go and get them?”


The car drew to a halt in record timing.


We scrambled out of the car. Keno opened the boot and I ran towards the boxes, swooping in on them like a vulture, grasbbing two at a time. Keno was right behind me ready to join in with the gravalicious behaviour. As we were loading box after box into the car, like it was free money we were getting I noticed that each box had different flavours,


“Ooooh look there are different flavours too.”


“Don’t lie!”


The fact that there were different flavours excited us even more. We were hollering and cackling and grabbing. Cherry was awoken by the mayhem because since we had already filled the boot we were now shoving boxes into the back seat where she was, trying to cram as many boxes of the crisps as was physically possible. She looked dazed and confused. She looked at our faces searching for answers. Keno screamed at her, while laughing manically,


“Free chips! You will enjoy!”


After stuffing the car we headed to the house. A now awake Cherry helped us carry the goods into the house. Although we had our Chop Chop there ready to eat we just wanted to eat these crisps. I don’t even know why as I’m not that much of a crisp lover. It was just something in the air that made me want to eat these crisps. Keno and I each grab a packet, both different flavours and start chowing down. As we are chomping away, Cherry is sitting there looking at the looking over the different packets,


“You guys…”


We hear her, but we don’t respond. The crisps are all that matter.


“You know these crisps are out of date,”


We both stopped chomping at the same time, faces aghast.


I started searching for the best before date on my packet as did Keno. She was right. The crisps were out of date and way out of date too, not even a few days or weeks… I was horrified. “Poisoned by Crisps,” Imagine reading that on your tombstone? That is so not the look.


Finding out that the crisps were out of date just killed the excitement dead, and we sat there gloomy, not saying much for a few minutes. What the hell were we going to do with all the boxes now? No wonder they were dumped. We headed to the bedroom and were hanging out there when we heard Keno’s brother and his friend Yardie come in. Soon after, we heard rustling. Keno went to investigate. He came to report back,


“Yardie was eating the crisps.”


“Did you tell him they were out of date?”


“No! Look how greedy he is coming into my house eating chips like someone invited him to… Serves him right,” he then burst into laughter, “In fact I told him he could take as many boxes home as he wanted to. He looked shocked so I told him I had more.”


We never had to get rid of the boxes because Yardie took every single last crisp packet there was. HE was gravalicious too. I never found out if he ever found out that they were out of date. I know he is till alive and healthy, so what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger… Right?



What is the most gravalicious thing that you’ve ever done?

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