The Crazy Told Me That She Breastfeeds Her Husband


crazy woman 200x300 The Crazy Told Me That She Breastfeeds Her HusbandAugust 18th 2006

This big old bitch just flashed her titties at me!!!

I am traumatised

What the hell?  

Let me start from the very beginning. I was at work, minding my business (you know as you do.) This lady comes in. She is big fat and heavy (“Any sound test me tonight Dem ah go bury” remember that?) and very smiley too smiley really. A glazed over, not quite right smiley. I’ve seen her before though so I am not concerned. I remember her being slightly off key, but a lot of them are, that I run into daily. 

She comes in and is asking me about courses (I work in an edjumacational centre). I try and help her as much as I can. An hour passes before I realise that me trying to help her isn’t going anywhere. She has come in and asked the same questions before. Maybe she is lonely. Whatever the case is to be frank, I don’t care. I cannot be bothered with her anymore. She starts blabbering on about some nonsense that had nothing to do with anything that I can help her with. She keeps staring at me, and I figure she must be on some sort of medication and don’t look at her too much. 

She wants to do a language course. She asks me whether me she should do Spanish or French. I tell her that I cannot choose for her. I can only guide her. She says that I must choose. I tell her I can’t and this exchange continues until I just tell her to do French. She then says, 

“Oooooooooh, but its too hard.” 

“Do Spanish then.” Is all I can say. 

She then starts to try and show off her French skills, throwing out basic random words like, 

“Ca va?” 


“C’est vrai.” 

She asks me,

“Do you know any French?” 

I tell her no. If I said yes I swear down she would never leave.

I am trying to get my laugh on, reading blogs on myspace. She is halting my progress trying to make conversation about the French Bistro on her road like I give a fuck. She is getting upset because she can’t do one of the courses for 16-18 year olds, because she is 38. She says it isn’t fair. I get the feeling she is using any excuse to hang around and I want her OUT ASAP, so I just nod a little bit to give her the impression that I am listening. That nod gets the verbal diarrhea really runny. I’m zoning out. Her voice is like lift music. Then she starts singing, if you can call it that. Its like an auditions that you get at the beginning of American Idol, you know when they put the awful people on that are clearly never going to get through, but have been put through to the judges solely for their comic value,

“***Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?***”

When she gets no response she repeats herself in her awful, cat being strangled tone even louder. I turn to look at her and her breast is hanging out. One breast. What the hell is going on here? The bitch is serenading me, talking about sleeping with her tonight and now her titty is hanging out. As you can probably imagine I was not impressed at all.

As shocked as I was, I remained calm and told her,

“I do not need to see your breast.”

Before I continue, please have an attempt at guessing what her reply was:

The answer is the last one.

Yes, she told me that if I didnt like it I could look away. I didnt know what to do. Somehow I just expected her to be a bit embarrassed and put it away. I turned away from her, and continued reading what I was reading. By the time I turned back to her she was fully clothed and trying to explain the breast situation,

“I breastfeed my kids.”

Please note that this woman was alone and her kids could have only been with her in spirit.

She continued,

“Now I breastfeed my husband . . .”

Now why do I need to know that?

She finishes her sentence

“. . . Jesus”

On that note I have had enough. I remember that she had made a phone call earlier and told the person on the other end that her last name was Jesus. She pronounced it the Spanish way, so I really thought that her surname was Jesus. Come to find out, she thinks that she is married to Jesus. I have had enough. At this point I am thinking,

Fuck it, Im going to lunch.”

I picked my ass off, switched off the lights and told her that the office was now closed. I think that if I had left her there, she would have been hanging around until closing time. Even after telling her that the office was now closed she wasn’t moving. I stood by the door and held it open for her. She was trying to take as long as possible and still trying to talk to me about random shit.

After finally getting her out, I look out the window and she is sitting on the wall outside. I found out after coming back from lunch that she was out there for a while, before picking a fight with the security guard. She then went to the chicken and chip shop where the same security guard she argued with then went to buy food. He told me that she had said to him that he only had a job because of her husband Jesus and that her husband would now sack him because he was useless.

Oh what a day!

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