The Day I Had A Tube Stuck Up My Ass – Colonic Irrigation

colon Cleanse 300x200 The Day I Had A Tube Stuck Up My Ass – Colonic IrrigationMonday, November 20, 2006

My Colonic Irrigation Experience and a lotta other SHIT.

Current mood:  awake

Category: Life

***If you are squeamish you may want to stop reading now***

So on Friday I literally had the shit knocked out of me after work. Let me just say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Emma (the lady that was doing the treatment) talked to me first about why I wanted the treatment (Colonic Irrigation in case you were wondering) and I told her that I had read up on it and thought that it might help my agonising headaches and bloating ( i.e. fat stomach LOL.) We then talked a little bit about my bowel movements and eating habits before I was handed a towel and sent to the bathroom to undress.

On my return I was asked to lay on my side on the bed type thing that was there. (What is that called anyway? Examination bed? Anyway I’m sure you get what I mean.) So I had the towel wrapped around my lower half and the opening was at the back. Emma told me that she needed to do a rectal examination. This basically meant her prising my butt cheeks apart and sticking the tip of a finger in. This was to make sure that “everything was OK” enough to start the treatment. To be honest I don’t know what she was checking for because I never asked, anyhow seems like everything was OK because she got to lubing the tube that she was going to use.

I swear I almost passed out. It looked absolutely humongous. Ok, ok maybe that is an exaggeration. It was not humongous, but it definitely wasn’t pencil size. I expressed my alarm by gasping and exclaiming,

“Its huuuuge!”

To which she replied,

“Don’t be silly. It’s not all going in.”

I replied,

“It’s not the length I’m worried about. It’s the girth.”

I did not think it would go in as easily as it did. Of course the tapered tip made insertion easier. It wasn’t painful and only slightly uncomfortable. Once it was inserted I was told to roll over onto my back. Emma would then do something to shoot the water into the colon. She would continue doing this until I made a face like I was going to burst. This face apparently was the sign for release because she would then do something that would drain all the water out. Meanwhile she was massaging my stomach to shift all the shit.

This process continued for about 35-40 minutes. The feeling when the water was filling the colon is like the feeling you get when you have a bad case of diarrhoea but are nowhere near the toilet. You know that feeling where you get a shiver in the base of your spine that creeps up to your mid back like you are going to explode? I think that was the worst thing about the whole experience, that spine shiver feeling, however the feeling of the shitty water being released made it worth it… LOL! Once this was finished the tube was eased out and I was free to go to the bathroom and get dressed.

Once I got to the bathroom all hell broke LOOSE, and I mean REALLY broke loose! I thought it would never stop! Shitty water was spluttering and splattering (this information is strictly for education purposes not to gross anyone out) all over the place. It was truly like the scene out of a horror film.I even had to wipe the bowl down with tissue. that is how serious it was. Luckily the ordeal did not last too long and my thoughts wandered to whether I could make the journey home without any toilet breaks. Emma had said that I could stay in the room for 15 minutes afterwards in the case of any “emergencies” so this put my mind at rest, slightly. I put my clothes on and went back to the treatment room.

Emma gave me a handout for her detox plan which involved cutting out dairy, wheat, white rice, fast/junk food, red meat, and encouraged the eating of all fruits and vegatables, wholegrains, pulses, beans, fish and chicken. She then handed me a bottle of pills.  They were probiotics. She said that it was important that I take two of them twice a day, morning and night, to replace any bacteria that might have been removed my the cleansing. I thanked her and took the pills and the handout. She then told me that I needed to pay her directly for the treatment and not the reception downstairs. I went into my purse and handed her the exact money, £55. She then pulled out her wallet and counted the money before putting it in. Apparently that was not enough because her purse was still open,

“That’s an additional £18.95 for the pills.”

What??? I thought they were part of the treatment. She told me I NEEDED them. If they were essential as part of the treatment would they not come free? If it was dangerous for me NOT to take these pills then I couldn’t be allowed to leave without them right? I called her bluff,

“Oh I wasn’t told anything about any extra costs. I only brought the money with me for the treatment.”

“Ok, well can you not go to the cash point and get the money?”

What in the hell? I liked her, but now she was turning into a pushy money grabbing monster right before my eyes. I told her,

“I didn’t budget in for the pills. I wasn’t told.”

She tried guilt tactics instead,

“Sometimes caring for your health will be expensive. It all depends on what your priorities are.”

I now hate Emma. I am not giving her the money for the pills so I wish she would just give the blabbering a rest.

I tried to be pleasant and explained again,

“If I had known about the pills I would have waited to come when I had all the money.”

She made one last ditch attempt at extortion,

“I’ll leave them downstairs at reception and you can come and pick them up when you get the money together.”

She then showed me out of the treatment room and downstairs. I was miffed. I thought I was meant to sit for 15 minutes in case of an “emergency” Now that I didn’t want to buy the pills I wasn’t welcome. I was being thrown out onto the streets. What a cheek! I left and went to meet my colleague not far from the centre. She had had the irrigation done a couple of hours earlier. I asked her if she had bought the probiotics. Her reply,

“What probiotics?”

Emma (we had the same person) mentioned nothing about the pills to her. We thought that maybe she thought I NEEDED them, but I didn’t get why. She said the colour of my waste was normal as was the texture, whereas my colleagues had fatty deposits, so why would I NEED them?

Fast forward to today. I called the centre to speak to Emma to ask about these probiotics. She wasn’t there so I spoke to someone else. I asked them why someone would be recommended the probiotics. They said that they give everyone the choice whether to buy them or not. That answered my question so I left it as that. I would have appreciated if Emma had given me the NOT option too instead of badgering me to go out and withdraw money.

I guess Shit happens.

Speak Your Mind