When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong – The Sensimilla Saga

spliff When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong – The Sensimilla Saga

“Lemme have some”

“But you don’t smoke.”

“Just give me some.”

I took the spliff and took two pulls on it. Almost immediately I felt drowsy and I hate feeling drowsy, unless I’m ready to sleep. Something about watching Chrystal smoke and get high made me just want some. I was bored. It had been so long. I must have forgotten that I don’t even like the high that weed gives.

Not long after my two pulls Chrystal’s phone rang. Keep in mind that this was about about 10/11pm. It was one of the guys we had met about a week earlier at a bar. At the time that we had met them there were two of them and two of us so we hung out with them for a couple hours and then exchanged numbers. They seemed pretty eager, calling pretty much every other day since we had met them.

The one calling Chrystal was called Orlantay and he was asking Chrystal if she wanted to come and hang out at his house with him. She told him that it was too late and that I was with her. He was unmoved and tried to persuade her by telling her that he had just been with Jordan (the one that had been calling me) and that he was going to call me, so I should hook up with Jordan and she should hook up with him.

Now Chrystal and I had the guy on loudspeaker and were snickering under our breaths at the ludicrous suggestion. It was the middle of the night and we were eating, watching films, catching joke etc and this guy thinks that he can just call up whatever time of the night and get a hook up Damn cheek! Added to the fact that none of them were particularly attractive in that way. They were ok to hang out with that day but no one was trying to get a booty call from any of them.

I mouthed to Chrystal to play along with his little plan but to spin it round and invite him to hers, and tell him that I would go round to his Jordan’s house. She relayed this to him and it went down well, except for the fact that he didn’t have a car at that time and was apparently too broke to get a cab. He was saying that he really wanted to come but she would need to pay his cab fare. (Can you imagine?)

Chrystal at this point is in top form and tells him not to worry. He should get a cab and she will gladly pay for it when he arrives. He must have thought it was Christmas. The guy had no shame. As soon as the conversation with him ends, the friend Jordan calls me, obviously after speaking to Orlantay.


The conversation goes a little something like this

Him: Oh so my friend told me that he is going round to your friend’s house and that you are going to come round to mine.

Me: Yeah

Him: Great… Pick up some Guinness on the way.

Me: Er Ok

Him: While you are at it, pick up some peanuts too.

Me: Ok

Him: Dry roasted. Make it two packs.

Me: Ok anything else (sarcasm)?

Him: I’m hungry actually. I wouldnt mind some Chinese.

Me: Oh right.

Him: Get me something with black bean sauce.

After this I took down his address and told him that I would leave shortly.


Now back to Orlantay. He calls my friend when he is leaving to get her address and make sure I am out of the way. She tells him that I have already left to go to Jordan’s house and gives him the address of some flats opposite, in order for us to see him arrive in his cab, and see the shit hit the fan.

About 20 minutes or so pass and he starts calling her phone. (I have already turned my phone off after Jordan has called twice to find out where I am.) We take this to mean that he has arrived and so rush to the window. We see a white car in front of the block of flats opposite. We assume that he must have already knocked on the door as he doesn’t get out of the car. The car waits there for about 5 minutes and then leaves. Another 5 minutes and the car is back again. The whole thing is just so funny to us. I even hit the spliff a couple more times, as Chrystal is smoking one after another. We are creasing about the fact that this dude is at the wrong address, and how it serves him right for trying to booty call Chrystal and having the audacity to try and make her pay to see his ass too.

At some point he gets out of the cab and starts walking around. Now Chrystal is pissed because clearly he must have had money to pay for the cab but just wanted to use her money. We lose sight of him and it looks like he is heading the in the direction of her block of flats. I think it was the weed, because suddenly we become paranoid.

We hear noises. They seem to be coming from within the block. The first thing we do is draw her living room curtains. We are convinced he might see us, or rather identify our shadows. Chrystal’s phone is now ringing almost non stop. Now we become paranoid that he may be close by and hear it ringing from outside and find us as a result, so Chrystal puts it on vibrate only.

Soon after we hear even louder noises from outside like someone is smashing things up, like bottles, bricks and who knows what else. People generally don’t smash things up like that in the middle of the night. We are convinced that it is him. We think that perhaps he recognizes the block but doesn’t know which door she lives at and so is smashing things up as a result (I should add in here that the night we met them they did drop us at Chrystal’s, but as all the blocks look the same we didn’t think he would know which one, if we directed himt o a wrong one) Paranoia is out of control now. The sounds feel close and really loud, so not only do we turn the TV off, but we turn the lights of too.

At this point Chrystal and I are sitting on her front room sofas in complete darkness, curtains drawn, and her phone on vibrate. Even the sound of our breathing and hearts beating sound earth shatteringly loud to my ear. Chrystal’s phone rings again. In the dark silence the vibration feels like it is causing the floor tremble. We are panicking. Maybe he can hear the vibrate too. Chrystal runs to her laundry cupboard and chucks the phone amongst towels to drown out the sound of the vibration.

I am pissed that she is running to the laundry cupboard and thudding on the floor like a damn elephant because as far as I am concerned this is extra noise that is just not necessary. I am convinced that if he is outside her door listening for clues (as I am convinced he may be doing by this time) then he will hear the vibration from the phone or Chrystal’s elephant like thudding and break down the door. (How I thought he would do this I don’t know as he was only a skinny little thing.)


We sat in silence on the living room floor in the darkness for about an hour. Chrystal had rescued the phone about 15 minutes previously and we were beginning to relax a bit more. After an uninterrupted half an hour of no phonecalls and no alarming noises we began to hear smashing noises again. They sounded really close again. We peeked from the curtains, screaming at each other, (in the only way you can scream while whispering) to get back on the floor whenever the curtain gap was any more than about a centimeter.

Shortly after the noises began again the phone began to ring again. It was him. We couldnt believe it. It was about 2 hours or so from the time that we had first seen the cab pull up opposite and he was still calling. I started to get really paranoid, and convinced my friend that he was out to get us, and that maybe he had no money to get home and so was not going to leave the area until he found us. I put my phone on and tried to convince Chrystal that we should call the police. Tthe conversation went a little something like this:

Me: We need to call the police

Chrystal: We can’t

Me: We have to. He must be violent, look how he is smashing things up. What do you

think is gonna happen when he finds us?

Chrystal: but what are we going to tell them? That we can hear noises outside? That sounds stupid.

Me: We are gonna die in this house. We have to call! It’s not worth losing our lives,

because you don’t wanna look stupid.

Chrystal: But what are you gonna say?

Me: We can just make up something.

Chrystal: I think you are paranoid and you are making me paranoid. I don’t even know why I’m sitting in a dark room on the floor

Me: Because there is a killer on the loose.

Chrystal: Ok just put them on last call but don’t call them.

I put 999 in as the last number, Finger comfortable sitting on the call button.

Ready to dial.


We must have sat in the dark room for another half and hour.

Chrystal’s phone kept ringing, but by now she had switched it to full silence, so there were no vibrations, so it didn’t make any kind of noise, but everytime the screen flashed to alert that there was a call my heart would start beating quadruple time again convinced, our deaths were imminent. Still full of paranoia I convinced Chrystal that it was not safe to stay on the sitting room floor just in case he attacked us by putting a brick theough the window, so in the darkness we crawled to the bedroom and curled up under the bed. (Yes! On the floor UNDER the bed.)

I woke up in the morning with a stiff neck. We were kind of disorientated wondering why we were both under the bed. When we started talking over the events of the night before, we were in hysterics not believing that we could have been so crazy to think that Orlatay could hear the phone vibrating from outside, and was trying to throw brick at her windows.

He called again the next day and Chrystal told him that she had fallen asleep and didn’t hear her phone. He really wan’t angry about it at all, and even contined calling her.

This story is one of the reasons why I don’t smoke weed.

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